What rights do I have as a parent?

`What rights do I have as a parent?’ is one of the first questions I’m asked by mums and dads who are in – or heading for – the family court.

It’s understandable. There is nothing more precious as the bond you have with your son or daughter and if you’re going through a separation you’re likely asking this because you want some reassurance to make that uncertain future a little more predictable.

But I hate to break it to you: You have no rights as a parent.

You have no rights to see your own children. No rights to know where they live. No rights to be involved in their schooling, medical matters, etc. (although you do have responsibilities under `Parental Responsibility’ – something all mothers have and most fathers too).

It doesn’t matter how many times I say this, I still get asked – often by someone who has already been told this. It could be they talk about how morally they have rights (maybe…but not in law). They could be talking about the UNCHR (that’s the United Nations Convention on Human Rights for the uninitiated) and their right to a family life; mention that in a family court hearing and you’ll be told that’s already been factored in.

The truth is that mums don’t have rights. Neither do dads. Instead? Children have rights.

Once you understand this attitude of the court the approach to court cases suddenly get a lot clearer and understandable – even if you don’t agree with it.

Look at it like this. The family court operates under the `Paramountcy Principle’: It’s all about the best interests of the child. If something doesn’t serve this…it’s irrelevant. It doesn’t mean that a parent needs to be `better’ than their ex either – this ain’t no beauty contest and a `good enough’ parent is good enough.

Taking a step further, recent developments have also done away with the presumption of a relationship with both parents post separation. Following successful lobbying, this change has been made on the basis that children have come to serious harm – or worse – at the hands of parent who has been ordered contact with their child.

This change is still working it’s way through the system and it’ll be a while before we see how it is actually implemented – although early indications are that its effects are already being seen in courts around England and Wales.

But I digress. What does all this mean to you as a mum or dad, going through the family court when you don’t agree with your ex about what happens with the children?

It means that the first – and last question you should be asking yourself at every step is `Is this in the best interests of my children?’

Of course what constitutes the `best interests’ of a child is a whole different ball game – if you’re looking for a legal definition you’re going to end up disappointed. The court – if it is involved – will decide that. It uses criteria set out in section 1 of the piece of law that deals with children in the family court – the 1989 Children Act. It’s often referred to as `the Welfare Checklist’ and sets out seven criteria the court will look at if it has to make a decision. How much weight is attached to each factor is decided by the court – which of course you may or may not agree with.

If you’re in – or about – to end up in the family court, let me offer you a few final pieces of advice off the back of all this:

1. Don’t talk about YOUR rights.
2. Frame every decision and outcome in terms of how it affects your children.
3. Find out about the Welfare Checklist and ask yourself in every situation `Is this relevant?’

If you take away just one point from this post however, it’s this: You have no rights. Your children do.